Why people choose ethical non-monogamy

When someone suggests opening a relationship, their partner may hear that they are no longer enough. They may wonder whether they are still desired, or whether the relationship has quietly stopped being satisfying. The person raising it might be trying to express sexual curiosity or an interest in another relationship. They might also be unhappy. Even before either person has explained themselves, the proposal can become tangled in fears about what it means.

Others enter relationships with a preference for non-monogamy already established. They may have thought about it for years, or simply find that exclusivity does not suit them. Explanations based on dissatisfaction or a partner’s inadequacy can miss these reasons for wanting non-monogamy.

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), generally called consensual non-monogamy (CNM) in research, includes open relationships, swinging and polyamory, in which those involved agree to the possibility of multiple sexual or romantic connections (Gupta et al., 2024). People describe overlapping reasons for choosing it, involving sexuality, autonomy, values, relationships, personal growth and practical considerations (Wood et al., 2021).

Wanting other experiences and connections

Pleasure is part of the appeal. People may enjoy sexual variety, want to explore an attraction, or want sex with others without seeking another long-term relationship. Couples may also enjoy exploring together. The attraction can involve both enjoying new experiences and discovering aspects of one’s sexuality (Wood et al., 2021).

People also describe wanting to form additional emotional connections (Wood et al., 2021). They may want another person to share their life with, turn to for comfort or get to know over time. People on the asexual spectrum likewise describe exploration, identity and connection as reasons for polyamory, with accommodating a partner’s sexual needs only one part of that picture (Hille et al., 2024). Assuming ENM is always about wanting more sex overlooks the person who wants the intimacy of another relationship, including someone with little interest in sex at all.

The appeal may also extend beyond any particular new partner. People in CNM relationships describe valuing varied sources of support, opportunities for growth and relief from the expectation that one partner should meet every need (Moors et al., 2017). A person who values these experiences may want several relationships even when an existing bond offers security and closeness. A new partner may bring a different kind of intimacy or shared interest that is worth pursuing for its own sake.

Sexual interest does not need to be presented as personal growth to be taken seriously. Nor does wanting several loving relationships make someone more ethical than a person who wants occasional sexual encounters. Either can treat the people involved with care, or fail to do so.

Finding a relationship structure that fits

Some people choose ENM after repeatedly finding that exclusivity does not suit them. Their wish for other connections remains even when they love their partner and want the relationship to continue. An enduring desire for non-monogamy, sometimes extending back to the earliest experiences of attraction, appears in accounts from experienced CNM adults (Arter & Bunge, 2023). For someone with that history, ENM may offer a way to stay committed to a partner without continually setting aside their desire for other relationships.

Taking that preference seriously may lead someone to reconsider what commitment needs to involve. People describe choosing non-monogamy because it accords with their values (Tatum et al., 2024; Wood et al., 2021). A person may understand commitment through the care partners offer each other and the responsibilities they willingly take on, while accepting that either could love or have sex with someone else. From that perspective, a developing connection does not have to be a reason to end an existing relationship. ENM gives them a way to act on that understanding of love.

Putting those beliefs into practice means discussing what each person is willing to agree to. Polyamorous adults describe negotiating autonomy alongside close relationships and partners’ differing wishes (Bröning, 2025). For someone who has accepted exclusivity mainly because it seemed expected, being able to choose the terms of their relationships may be part of ENM’s appeal. They may willingly accept substantial demands on their time and care when those commitments reflect how they want to live.

Accommodating differences within a relationship

Partners may differ in how often they want sex, the experiences they enjoy, or what is possible given their health or living circumstances. ENM can appeal as a way to keep a relationship they value while accommodating those differences (Wood et al., 2021). Someone with a strong interest in a particular kink, for example, may have a partner who has no interest in it. Exploring elsewhere can allow them to pursue that interest without asking their partner to participate, a motivation described by kink-identified adults (Vilkin & Sprott, 2021). They may still deeply value the affection, sex and everyday companionship they share with their existing partner.

Being unable to share a partner’s interest can nevertheless feel like a personal failure, especially if sexual compatibility has become a measure of one’s worth. A wish for another connection may then sound like a wish for a better partner. People in polyamorous relationships have reported high levels of need fulfilment with two partners, with fulfilment in one accounting for very little variation in satisfaction with the other (Mitchell et al., 2014). Sexual fulfilment in one relationship has also shown some positive associations with satisfaction in another (Muise et al., 2019). These findings challenge the assumption that what someone values in another relationship must reveal a deficiency in the first. A person may want to preserve a deeply satisfying bond and develop a connection that offers something different.

Some couples are already frustrated when they begin considering openness. Reasons for CNM involving distance, health circumstances or differences in sexual desire and interests have been associated with poorer relationship outcomes (Conley & Piemonte, 2021). The difficulties prompting the change may already be placing the relationship under strain. Openness might address a difference in desired sexual experiences, but it is being asked to do much more if someone expects it to resolve years of resentment or feeling unwanted. A person can be certain they want to keep their relationship while struggling to explain what they hope another relationship will repair.

Choosing ENM for a partner

Someone may choose ENM chiefly because they want their partner to have the pleasure or freedom it offers. Caring about a partner’s fulfilment can be part of a freely chosen decision, even when someone has little interest in dating others themselves (Ryan & Deci, 2000). Their own interest may also develop over time, as described by people who discovered polyamory through a partner and came to want it for themselves (Hille et al., 2024). Partners need not be equally enthusiastic for both to willingly choose an arrangement.

An agreement can also be driven by guilt, fear of rejection or the hope of preventing a relationship from ending. Sacrifices made to avoid conflict or rejection have been associated with poorer wellbeing and relationship quality than those motivated by creating closeness (Impett et al., 2005). In non-monogamous relationships, partly open and one-sided arrangements with lower mutual consent, comfort and communication have likewise shown poorer relationship functioning than arrangements with high levels of all three (Hangen et al., 2020). Someone may care deeply about their partner’s happiness while repeatedly setting aside their own wish for monogamy. Keeping the relationship can become so urgent that they give little weight to what staying on those terms would mean for them.

Sometimes a partner actively creates that pressure. Persistent demands and threats to end a relationship are documented tactics in research on verbal sexual coercion (Pugh & Becker, 2018). Similar pressure could enter discussions about ENM when a partner keeps demanding a different answer after a clear refusal or repeatedly threatens separation to wear down resistance. They may announce that they will see other people regardless, leaving their partner to accept the change or face the consequences. An eventual agreement may be a way to end the pressure. Describing it as mutual consent conceals how that agreement was obtained.

Affection can also become conditional on agreement. Broader research on couples links withholding warmth when expectations are unmet with lower relationship satisfaction (Kanat-Maymon et al., 2017). Even offering greater affection for compliance has been associated with a reduced sense of autonomy and poorer relationship quality (Kanat-Maymon et al., 2016). In a discussion about opening a relationship, someone might find their partner cold and critical while they resist, then affectionate again when they agree. The relief of having that closeness restored may make it harder to acknowledge that they still do not want the arrangement.

Pressure can also come through the language used to justify ENM. A partner may portray reluctance as possessiveness, insecurity or a failure to support their identity. If every objection is treated as something the reluctant person needs to work through, agreement becomes the only acceptable outcome. Someone can respect non-monogamy and still want monogamy for themselves. They should not have to prove their love or emotional maturity by agreeing to a relationship they do not want.

There can also be a painful incompatibility without coercion. Someone may honestly conclude that they cannot continue in a monogamous relationship, just as their partner may be unwilling to continue in an open one. Neither can guarantee that honouring their own preference will preserve the relationship. What matters is whether each person’s answer is accepted, including the possibility of separating, or whether threats, punishment and repeated pressure are used to secure compliance. A wish for ENM does not entitle someone to their partner’s participation.

Desirability and self-worth

ENM can be alluring because committing to someone need not bring dating to an end. There can still be flirting, the anticipation of a first date and the pleasure of discovering that someone new wants you. Dating research identifies excitement and validation of self-worth as distinct motives, alongside seeking love or sex (Sumter et al., 2017). A person may enjoy the process of attracting someone even when they are content with their existing relationships.

Desirability can also become a foundation of self-worth. Research on contingent self-worth describes how people come to depend on success in particular areas to sustain their sense of value (Crocker & Park, 2004). This need not mean someone generally sees themselves as inadequate. In research on Tinder use, feeling disconnected or excluded was associated with seeking a self-esteem boost, while lower general self-esteem did not predict that motive (Orosz et al., 2018). Someone might feel attractive and confident while receiving interest, yet feel diminished when that interest slows.

Each new admirer or additional partner may then become evidence that they are worth wanting. Dating can take on an urgency that has little to do with wanting a particular connection. Across two studies, self-esteem enhancement had a stronger association with problematic Tinder use than seeking sex, love or relief from boredom. Problematic use included preoccupation, difficulty cutting back and interference with other parts of life (Orosz et al., 2018). For someone whose confidence relies on attracting new interest, continuing to date may feel necessary even when the pursuit has become tiring or disruptive.

Affection from an existing partner may not settle the question of desirability. People whose worth depends on attributes such as appearance have reported greater suspicion of a partner’s positive feedback (Lemay & Clark, 2008). Someone might discount a loving partner’s interest as familiarity or kindness, while treating a new person’s attraction as more convincing. That offers one possible explanation for why being wanted by several partners might still leave someone wanting fresh confirmation. The next potential partner can offer another chance to prove their appeal.

For someone caught in this pattern, ENM could offer a way to keep that search going while retaining relationships they value. They may sincerely describe wanting freedom, exploration or room for more connections, without recognising how much their confidence depends on continuing to date. Those values can coexist with a need to keep proving their desirability. A request to slow down might then feel like more than a disagreement about time or capacity. It could threaten an important source of self-worth. The freedom to pursue new relationships may be especially compelling when stopping would mean facing how they feel about themselves without fresh interest.

Enjoying pursuit or having several partners does not, by itself, establish this pattern. What deserves attention is whether dating has become difficult to pause and what maintaining it costs. Someone may keep seeking new people despite having little time or interest to offer them, or lose interest once attraction is reciprocated. Existing partners may find that agreed time together repeatedly gives way to the next possibility. For the person dating, it may help to ask what would feel missing if nobody new showed interest for a while, and whether they still want each connection once they know they are wanted.

Hoping ENM will resolve a difficulty

A change in relationship structure can also seem to offer a way out of an existing problem. Accounts of polyamory among people on the asexual spectrum include attempts to address jealousy, insecurity or previous cheating (Hille et al., 2024). Someone may hope that agreeing to openness will remove the conflict around attractions or behaviour that have already caused pain.

After a breach of trust, that hope may include a sincere wish to stop hiding attractions and agree on a different arrangement. It may also include wanting to avoid facing what has already happened. A couple could agree that they both want non-monogamy and still need to address the earlier deception. Changing what is permitted from now on does not resolve the hurt caused by breaking the previous agreement.

Sometimes the difficulty a person hopes to escape recurs across relationships. They might seek new connections whenever closeness begins to feel uncomfortable, or hope that having several partners will make them less dependent on any one of them. Avoidant attachment has predicted willingness to try CNM among people without CNM experience, while those actually practising CNM reported lower avoidance than monogamous participants (Moors et al., 2015). The relationship structure alone gives little basis for assuming that someone is afraid of intimacy.

Talking about ENM at Vive

At Vive, I offer ENM and polyamory counselling for individuals and couples across Australia. We can explore what you want from your relationships and what makes that difficult to acknowledge or ask for. If you and a partner want different things, there is room to understand both positions and consider what each would mean for your relationship.

I have lived in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, and ENM is a familiar part of my counselling work. You can talk openly about desire, reluctance and uncertainty, including the parts you find difficult to explain to someone you love.

If you would like to speak with me, get in touch to arrange an online appointment or a free 15-minute consult.